Holiday Reflection...

As the New Year approaches and the festivities of the holidays commence, many of us start thinking about the past year…. The difficulties, surprises and pleasures we have had.  Some of us make lists and others resolutions.  It is important to reflect and deflect in any way you find useful.  Dr. Marilyn Price-Mitchell suggested in an article in Psychology Today that parents keep these two resolutions:

1.      Be a positive role-model
2.      Help my kids believe in themselves

What wonderful resolutions! They are not easy, and they are not straight forward, but they are very important.  To help you with these resolutions, I ask you to think about your own experiences this year, as an individual and as a family.  Learn from the mistakes, and celebrate the successes… Think about the important things (including people, events, activities, etc) in your life, and how much time and love you dedicate to these things.  Remind yourself and others around you that you deserve love and deserve to be happy.  Believe in your self and your children will follow...  Feel positive about your life and the positivity will transcend to your family...

Here is a song which is perfect for our little post today…

This holiday season I wish you all Love…

Disciplined... Part 2

Misbehavior, rule breaking and/or tantrums are an inevitable part of growing up. Sometimes it is an attempt (by the child) at gaining control; an attempt at mastery. Other times it is an experiment of "what will mama/baba do".  This can be intentional, as we can see from the video below, or not.  This post is targeting intentional and repetitive attempts by your child to misbehave.

With teenagers it is no different. They may not lie down on the floor and scream, but they still seek attention, experiment with breaking the rules, and seek ways of expressing that they have grown, and that rules may need to change.  This might be a time when renegotiating the rules is helpful.

As aforementioned in the previous post, structure and discipline are necessary. Discipline is not just about rewards, nor is it only about punishments. We need to start with having a set of rules and guidelines for our children to follow, we then need to be role models. For younger children these rules have to be short and clear; and we need to keep a reminder of these rules.  We should remember to use positive reinforcement when our children are doing well. When they are not, we give chances (or warnings) to allow them to correct their mistakes. If our child is being stubborn, we use punishments, or as I would rather say, consequences to teach them discipline. (I will use punishment in this post because it is more familiar and recognizable).

Punishments/ consequences:

• Punishments, like rewards, need to be immediate. (i.e. Do not punish a behavior exhibited at the beginning of the week, by taking away something on the weekend).  This can be an exception with teenagers, who are able to wait and you may postpone a punishment.

• Punishments need to be short. Elongating punishment will only decrease its effectiveness. (i.e. take away the game for an hour instead of a week).

• Punishments need to be age-appropriate. (i.e. Time-out for younger kids vs taking away privileges for older children).  Please use the term "thinking chair" instead of "naughty chair".  Remember we are trying to promote positive thinking and behavior.

• Talk to your child not at your child.  Try to kneel down and maintain eye contact.

• Clarify that you are punishing the behavior and not the child.  Show your child love even in those tough moments.

• For educational, safety and emotional reasons I will have to mention that I am adamantly against corporal punishment (physical punishment).  This is always a sensitive topic, especially in this part of the world.  As the cartoon below shows, it only teaches the child to be aggressive, and to avoid an act out of fear, and not conviction).

Corporal Punishment

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      This video might make you laugh, break your heart, or allow you to sigh and say "yippee! Its not only my boy who does that!"...  It does, however, show us that intentional and manipulative behavior starts at a very young age.

Disciplined... Part 1

Structure is an essential part of a child's development.  It allows the child to have a sense of predictability and stability which nurtures his sense of security.  Rewards and punishments teach the child about consequences of actions, allowing the child to act after consideration rather than impulsively. Establishing rules and guidelines may be difficult in the beginning, and here are some tips about one aspect of discipline:

Rewards

Rewards should be immediate.  A reward far off in the future is neither enticing nor motivating.  Children can tolerate and should tolerate waiting, but creating a token system for a future reward is more effective than a verbal promise. (i.e. collecting point, stickers, etc).

For younger children explain very clearly why the reward was given, the more specific you are, the more likely it is that the child will repeat that specific behavior.

Do not assume the child has not learned if s/he does not repeat the rewarded behavior.  Consistency, repetition and persistence are essential, especially when dealing with special needs children.

Use one-on-one rewards when targeting embarrassing or personal goals. (i.e. age inappropriate toilet training, hygiene, relationship problems).   

Try to be creative with your rewards.  Find activities and experiences that you can reward with, rather than focusing on materialistic rewards. For example, 15 minutes of one-on-one play with your child (a game of their choice), allowing them choose their favorite dish for dinner, bake cookies, or make popcorn and watch T.V. together.  For bigger rewards, these could include organizing an outing, having friends over, or allowing them extra privileges.    

Express your love and pride for your child generously

Play Poll Results

As one poll closes another opens:P

Most of you reported playing with your child DAILY! A round of applause for all of you... So why is it hard for some parents to play?

Well, with older children it becomes much more difficult to find the time, or relate to their interests.  Try alternating between what they would like to play and what you would like to by teaching them a new game.  Cards and board games are usually fun and enjoyable for both adults and kids.  I am on the look-out for the best places to find board games in Kuwait... (I am BIG fan of board games)

There are also some parents who have difficulty "letting go" and being silly.  It is understandable.  Try initially to do the activities you are more comfortable with, like putting nail polish on your little girl, or hide and seek with your son.  Arts and crafts or baking are also fun activities that can still be considered play without requiring a large dose of silliness.  You may want to try active games like jump rope, balloon and ball games as well as swimming.

For parents who have difficulty finding the time, especially fathers, don't fret.  Use driving time to play things like word games (e.g. find the names of cities/cars/other starting with the letter "N").  Play a game with all the family instead of one-on-one.  Find short fun games before their bed-time routine, like "the staring game" where you win if you do not blink or "straight face game" of not laughing no matter how silly the other person is.  

Remember to have fun! Your child will be happiest when you are happy.

Have a love-filled day and take the time to vote on the new poll :)  

Teens, tweens, and in-betweens

Being in shaleah (beach house) this weekend and seeing all the teenage kids on the beach, I started thinking about a common parental concern.  How much involvement with your teenager is too much?

My thoughts went to the "Helicopter Parent" term, coined for parents who exercise too much concern and attention over their child.  They "hover" over that child, not allowing the child to experience any sense of autonomy nor growth.  Teenagers do need their parents, but they do not want to be forced.  To understand this dynamic try to envision your toddler's favorite game of "catchers".  Your toddler learns the playful nature of running away from you, but the part that is equally important is that you will catch him.  If parents fail to catch their child, he may get scared, or lose interest in the game.

Teens also need to know that even if they separate from their parents by hanging out with friends or experimenting with independent action, the parents will still be there.  Allow them to gain their independence, but make sure you are available when they need your reassurance, help and guidance.  

Here are some suggestions:

• Allow your child to make mistakes, this is how s/he will learn.  Be there to help come up with ways to remedy the mistake.
• Make firm rules and guidelines, do not expect your child to "just know".
• Invest in your child's interests:  Know about their love for shows like "Wizards of Waverly Place" or the songs of Justin Bieber.  Try to support their activities by cheering on their sports games, or helping with an art project.   
• Do your own research (about video games, songs, movies, shows, etc).  You may think all programs on children's networks are "safe", but many are age inappropriate or culturally different.  You do not have to stop your child from viewing these shows, but do explain those differences and reasons behind the difference.    
• Make the time to catch-up with your child on a one-to-one manner. 
• Be involved in their friendships:  Have your child invite friends home and have your house be the space they can express themselves in, instead of having to hide and put themselves in an unsafe environment.

Most importantly, tell them you love them even when you are angry, it is a difficult period for both you and your child...

Happy Eid عيدكم مبارك

Inspired by the ad, I sought out the original Sesame Street song in Arabic. As far as I know, there are two Arabic versions of the show, an Egyptian production and one made for the Gulf countries in classical Arabic (which is the one I'm posting). It brought back many childhood memories... What a wonderful show to teach manners, skills, and very importantly, the Arabic language.

Have a lovely Eid...

PLAY

Nothing's more special and enjoyable than hearing the sound of laughter... Unleash your inner child and find intuitive and innovative ways to play.  Research has often supported the vital role of play in children's cognitive, emotional, social, physical and linguistic development.

Play can be: 

Physical through sports or games like "catchers"

Educational through the use of puzzles, books and educational games

Creative through the use of acting, art or music
Nurturing though tickles and massages

Most importantly, play is expressive.  It unleashes your child's inner thoughts and feelings and is a fun loving way to interact with your child.

Good night... playful dreams...