Teenage tantrums...Healthy?

I just read an informative entry in Shots blog, which discusses very interesting finding of a study done by researchers at the University of Virginia.  The findings were published in the journal of Child Development, and they focused on the importance and benefits of children's arguments.  Th study reported that children who fight and argue with their parents were more assertive and independent in the future.  Those children were also able to confidently stand by their ideals and morals, but (and that's a big but), only if parents direct them well during these arguments.

Joseph P. Allen, the lead psychologist in this study, explained that parents should consider these arguments not as a nuisance but as a "critical training ground".  Here is a small synopsis of the blog entry by Patti Neighmond:

Teens should be rewarded when arguing calmly and persuasively and not when they indulge in yelling, whining, threats or insults, he says.

In Allen's study, 157 13-year-olds were videotaped describing their biggest disagreement with their parents. The most common arguments were over grades, chores, money and friends. The tape was then played for both parent and teen.

"Parents reacted in a whole variety of ways. Some of them laughed uncomfortably; some rolled their eyes; and a number of them dove right in and said, 'OK, let's talk about this,'" he says.

It was the parents who said wanted to talk who were on the right track, says Allen. "We found that what a teen learned in handling these kinds of disagreements with their parents was exactly what they took into their peer world," with all its pressures to conform to risky behavior like drugs and alcohol.

Allen interviewed the teens again at ages 15 and 16. "The teens who learned to be calm and confident and persuasive with their parents acted the same way when they were with their peers," he says. They were able to confidently disagree, saying 'no' when offered alcohol or drugs. In fact, they were 40 percent more likely to say 'no' than kids who didn't argue with their parents.

From my own perspective I can completely understand and agree with these findings.  As some of you followers might have already have read, I commonly say "every opportunity is a learning opportunity".  These arguments are bound to happen, and it is your choice as a parent to use your strength and power to instill fear or instill respect.  Fear will only last for a short period of time, and then encourage lying and escapist behavior; respect will be lifelong with the added benefit of building your child's character. 

Follow the link for the full blog entry.

A bit of chatter to get smarter...

Check out this interesting seminar offered by Soor Center in November and December... Hurry up and book your spot:)

We are family...

... get up everybody and...

Sing

Dance

Eat

Play

Time and time again, research suggests that engaging in family activities, including meals, is good for everyone's mental health.  A comparison study exploring substance abuse in teenagers revealed that teenagers who reported dining with their family 5-7 times a week were 4 times less likely to use alcohol, tobacco or marijuana, than teens who dined fewer than 3 times a week with their families.  By this they mean a proper sit down dinner, and not takeaway in the car on the way back home.  Mealtime can be a chance for siblings and parents to connect, catch up and share views.  When it comes to teenagers, the most common complaint is "they don't understand me", or "no one sees me" when talking about their family.  Allowing yourself and your child to have that verbal exchange on a daily basis may decrease their feelings of loneliness and alienation.  It is also vital for both parents and children's mental health to see each other in a fun and loving atmosphere regularly.

Commonly, younger siblings look up to older siblings, especially in regards to experimenting with drugs, tobacco and alcohol.  If younger siblings see the positive and family oriented side of their older brother or sister, they are less likely to experiment.  Family time also teaches kids to share and be patience.

With our hectic schedules, and our kids' hectic schedules (especially our teenagers), scheduling mealtime is often very difficult.  I would first urge all of us to think if it can be managed, as it is a priority, if not, then find other alternative activities that can unite the family together.  The goal here is engagement, which means fostering conversation and encouraging a safe banter of ideas is key.  Find opportunities to play games, be a part of a social event, do some family volunteer work, join a cooking class, etc.

Suggested activity of the day:

As I've previously confessed, I am a fan of board games, and here is a quick glance at the great collection of board games for all ages at Fantasy World in Avenues Mall.  You can also search online for more options (Amazon is a good option).

For more information on this study and related articles click the two links below:

• SHOTS (article)
• National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University (Report)

Teens, tweens, and in-betweens

Being in shaleah (beach house) this weekend and seeing all the teenage kids on the beach, I started thinking about a common parental concern.  How much involvement with your teenager is too much?

My thoughts went to the "Helicopter Parent" term, coined for parents who exercise too much concern and attention over their child.  They "hover" over that child, not allowing the child to experience any sense of autonomy nor growth.  Teenagers do need their parents, but they do not want to be forced.  To understand this dynamic try to envision your toddler's favorite game of "catchers".  Your toddler learns the playful nature of running away from you, but the part that is equally important is that you will catch him.  If parents fail to catch their child, he may get scared, or lose interest in the game.

Teens also need to know that even if they separate from their parents by hanging out with friends or experimenting with independent action, the parents will still be there.  Allow them to gain their independence, but make sure you are available when they need your reassurance, help and guidance.  

Here are some suggestions:

• Allow your child to make mistakes, this is how s/he will learn.  Be there to help come up with ways to remedy the mistake.
• Make firm rules and guidelines, do not expect your child to "just know".
• Invest in your child's interests:  Know about their love for shows like "Wizards of Waverly Place" or the songs of Justin Bieber.  Try to support their activities by cheering on their sports games, or helping with an art project.   
• Do your own research (about video games, songs, movies, shows, etc).  You may think all programs on children's networks are "safe", but many are age inappropriate or culturally different.  You do not have to stop your child from viewing these shows, but do explain those differences and reasons behind the difference.    
• Make the time to catch-up with your child on a one-to-one manner. 
• Be involved in their friendships:  Have your child invite friends home and have your house be the space they can express themselves in, instead of having to hide and put themselves in an unsafe environment.

Most importantly, tell them you love them even when you are angry, it is a difficult period for both you and your child...