Marriage Survival 101

 A new post to share by Jennifer Ludden from the SHOTS blog...

To Keep Marriage Healthy When Baby Comes, Share House Work 

As many couples can attest — and lots of research backs this up — marital happiness plummets with the arrival of a baby. Sleepless nights, seemingly endless diaper changes and the avalanche of new chores that come with a newborn leave little time for the intimacies of marriage. It's a situation ripe for mental stress and marital discord.

In fact, the strain is so well documented that, as the Wall Street Journal reported earlier this year, a growing number of mental-health professionals now advise pre-emptive relationship counseling for expectant parents.

But in a survey of 2,870 married couples, the National Marriage Project of the University of Virginia found that more than a third of them buck the trend, managing to stay happy through the emotional, physical and financial strains of new parenthood. So, how do they do it?

Not surprisingly, the report finds sexual satisfaction and a sense of commitment top the list of traits that lead husbands and wives to say they are "very happy" in marriage. No. 3 is "generosity," defined as:


"the virtue of giving good things to [one's spouse] freely and abundantly," and encompasses small acts of service (e.g., making coffee for one's spouse in the morning), the expression of affection, displays of respect, and a willingness to "forgive him/her for mistakes and failings."

Further down the list: shared housework. That's right, both mothers and fathers are more likely to report they are "very happy" when housework is "shared equally." So presumably, asking your husband to do the laundry (or your wife to change the light bulb) can be good for your marriage. Though harking back to generosity, perhaps it's better if each volunteers to take on the task.

The survey is a joint project of the National Marriage Project and the Institute for American Values, conservative groups that promote marriage. Their report also finds — as many surveys have shown — that more devoutly religious people often rank themselves happier. Another recent study attributes this effect to the social networks that religion can foster.

Strikingly, the National Marriage Project finds a big jump in marital happiness among couples with four or more children (which, as the researchers note, is likely a pretty self-selecting group.)

Or, there's a simpler strategy: patience. Contrary to popular perception, evidence suggests marital bliss rebounds with the empty nest.

We are family...

... get up everybody and...

Sing

Dance

Eat

Play

Time and time again, research suggests that engaging in family activities, including meals, is good for everyone's mental health.  A comparison study exploring substance abuse in teenagers revealed that teenagers who reported dining with their family 5-7 times a week were 4 times less likely to use alcohol, tobacco or marijuana, than teens who dined fewer than 3 times a week with their families.  By this they mean a proper sit down dinner, and not takeaway in the car on the way back home.  Mealtime can be a chance for siblings and parents to connect, catch up and share views.  When it comes to teenagers, the most common complaint is "they don't understand me", or "no one sees me" when talking about their family.  Allowing yourself and your child to have that verbal exchange on a daily basis may decrease their feelings of loneliness and alienation.  It is also vital for both parents and children's mental health to see each other in a fun and loving atmosphere regularly.

Commonly, younger siblings look up to older siblings, especially in regards to experimenting with drugs, tobacco and alcohol.  If younger siblings see the positive and family oriented side of their older brother or sister, they are less likely to experiment.  Family time also teaches kids to share and be patience.

With our hectic schedules, and our kids' hectic schedules (especially our teenagers), scheduling mealtime is often very difficult.  I would first urge all of us to think if it can be managed, as it is a priority, if not, then find other alternative activities that can unite the family together.  The goal here is engagement, which means fostering conversation and encouraging a safe banter of ideas is key.  Find opportunities to play games, be a part of a social event, do some family volunteer work, join a cooking class, etc.

Suggested activity of the day:

As I've previously confessed, I am a fan of board games, and here is a quick glance at the great collection of board games for all ages at Fantasy World in Avenues Mall.  You can also search online for more options (Amazon is a good option).

For more information on this study and related articles click the two links below:

• SHOTS (article)
• National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University (Report)